❅Winter Love ❅
When many think of abortions they think of it as an easy out for teens who have made mistakes and simply want to run away from them. This year has been one of the hardest and longest for me.
My first miscarriage was in October of my senior year. I took test after test knowing that I was pregnant but had them come up negative time after time. I was two months when I lost the baby and somehow knew the entire time that it was coming. I never got attached, but my boyfriend did. When I finally lost it, I was at his house, him being at college. When the heavy bleeding began I felt a since of relief to know that the event I had been waiting for had occured but immediately broke down when I saw the baby pass. I knew it was time to visit the ER, and was sent home once the bleeding had stopped, he arrived home on the train. The following days were filled by him grieving with our loss and me recovering. Although I was never really attached, the loss caused for our relationship to slowly fall apart.
In late November I began to have the same feeling of simply knowing that I was some how pregnant again. Over-whelmed by the grief of the last child and the mixed feelings of the second I began to have the same feeling of knowing it wasn’t going to make it. I became a bit attached, but began to grieve over the loss before it even happened. My boyfriend was excited, me unsure, he chose not to leave my side during finals. This caused him to funk out of college fully. On December 20, 2011 we lost the second one. I woke up one morning around five am and simply knew that it was gone. Later that day I saw it pass. I began to become extremely concerned about why I was all of a sudden so fertile yet unable to keep them. The second loss caused our relationship to come to an end. The drinking and use of narcotics had increased greatly after the loss of the first and the second sent him off the edge. Not only had I now lost two children, but I had also lost my best friend.
Although we weren’t together we seemed to work things out long enough to go on a trip to NYC with his family together followed by a trial valentines day date. The fact that he had a serious drinking and pill problem became more than clear while we took the time apart. We talked on a normal basis but were no longer “together”. I became extremely ill, having constant migraines, extreme fatigue, pain in my abdominal area, nauseousness and sensitivity to smell. I knew that I must be somehow pregnant again quickly got blood work done. When it returned it was negative for everything was sent to get an ultra sound done to see if I had any swelling or sises.
After an hour of being examined the doctor walked in, and handed me a picture of my baby and said that I was seven weeks and one day. Blown away I left and burst into tears. How on earth could I get pregnant back to back three times while practicing safe sex? The two years before I had been way less precariousness and had no scares. I quickly chose to have an abortion and called two days later to set up the appointment. As I waited for my appointment, I became more and more attached to this baby that was growing inside of me. I could feel it’s heartbeat and where exactly it was at.
When the day finally had came I was eight and a half weeks and showing. If stranger looked at me they would have no clue, but a few noticed my pants getting tighter. I woke up on the day of it and decided that I wasn’t ready to go through with it yet. After talking with the dad we decided to reschedule once I was ready to say goodbye. I was forced to deal with the fact that I was pregnant by an addict who failed out of college because of the want for a child, had totaled two cars because of drunk driving and was jobless.
At ten weeks and one day, I walked into the abortion clinic and did the deed. Although it wasn’t as scary as I thought, I instantly felt empty. I walked out of the office knowing that I had made the responsible decision.A few days later I was at a meeting for work and randomly felt my bra become soaking wet. When I left I burst into tears and had it finally sink in that it was a real life in there. When I returned for the two week check up, I was handed a picture of the baby and told to remember and not regret.
Although it has been two months since this occurred, it still haunts me. I thought that I would be able to walk away from the situation untouched and unaffected. This has been the hardest thing I have ever had deal with, even compared with the fight for my three year old brothers life against cancer. With him I knew that he would be ok. This is something that I have to continue to deal with. Although it was best, it was not easy. Far from it. The next time that someone talks about how awful it is to take a life, think about how the parents of those dead “children” feel. It’s a life decision that one will always deal with, no matter what may happen or change. I myself have overcome the constant feeling of emptiness, but still think about it daily.
My new favorite word!